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Ooo Didn Ash My Pamishon: RageBoy Gets Revenge on Permission
Marketers
By Christopher Locke, October 16, 2001
Well, it seems that Barnes & Noble is shipping Gonzo Marketing,
and it's climbing the charts in several Amazon categories. Plus, a review of the
book came up on Slashdot this morning, which is fuelling the usual crazed speculation
about what I probably wrote, in all likelihood, had the poster actually read the
book. The most recent of the 189 comments that have appeared since 10 this morning
is by Dead Penis Bird. Gives you some idea.
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/10/12/133250
Time to don the old asbestos underwear, I guess. One reader who may be less than
thrilled with the book is Seth Godin, whom I installed in the St. Vitus Dance
Hospital for the Criminally Insane -- strictly for purposes of satire. (NOTE TO
LEGAL: does that cover me, or should I say something else?)
I was reminded of my reason for being so mean to Seth when I got this cocksucking
"permission marketing" email today from Chivas Regal. First off, my name is not
SUSAN LOCKWOOD. Second off, I never requested anything from these shitbirds. Third
off, I've been sober for 17 years and plan on staying that way (assholes!). I
reproduce this spamette here in its entirety -- if only to rationalize the vitriolic
attack (strictly for purposes of satire) that follows it.
From: Chivas Regal [mailto:Chivas.Regal@mailserver101.com]
Sent: Friday, October 12, 2001 5:17 PM
To: CLOCKE@PANIX.COM
Subject: A Special Thank You from Chivas Regal
Dear SUSAN LOCKWOOD,
Thank you for allowing us the privilege of hearing from you in the past.
You may have requested product information, responded to a special offer
or have contacted us on some other matter. Because you are a valued Chivas
Regal customer, we hope that we handled your request promptly and to your satisfaction.
This new "information age" of The Internet and e-mail has made it possible
for us to serve you in ways that we could have only dreamt of a few short years
ago. As a result we would like to keep you up to date from time to time via e-mail,
with the latest news and offers regarding Chivas Regal (and our other fine products),
and provide a means for you to easily communicate with us.
While we would very much like to send you e-mail communications,
we do want to fully respect your privacy. If you would prefer not to hear from
us via e-mail in the future, please reply to this message and type, "REMOVE" within
the subject area and your name will be deleted from the list.
Sincerely,
Colin Scott
Master Blender
Chivas Regal
Please note: This message is intended for individuals of legal purchase age who
are customers or who have requested information from Chivas Regal.
Now wouldn't that just about piss you off COMPLETELY? It did me. In fact, it pissed
me off when I got almost identical email from Sprint while I was writing the book.
I included that spam in Gonzo Marketing along with this bit I wrote in the chapter
titled "Code Blue in the Marketing Ward." btw, everything Godin says here -- with
the exception of "ooo didn ash my pamishon" -- was lifted directly from his book:
Permission Marketing
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684856360/entropygradientr
Ready? OK then! Let's pay Seth a little visit...
Dr. Robert takes the chart from the foot of the bed as he sweeps into the first
room, all cheerful confidence. And how are we feeling today, Mr. Godin? I grab
a look at the chart. Hey, isn't this the guy Harv mentioned? The doc looks over
at me, annoyed that I'm interrupting. Form follows fiction, he says, winking,
and jams a thermometer into Godin's mouth. Ooo didn ash my pamishon, he protests...
The guy doesn't look good. Do they ever leave, I ask. Oh, they come and go, says
the doctor, but the recidivism rate is high. Over 98 percent. This fellow's a
regular, aren't you, Mr. Godin? He reads the thermometer. Frowns.
What about the ad agencies, says the guy in the bed. With so many
talented people, why aren't they working to solve this problem?
There, there, the doc says, checking Godin's pupils for dilation.
Don't you worry about the ad agencies. You're in good hands here.
Why's he talking about ad agencies, I ask, puzzled.
Oh, Seth here thinks a lot about advertising. It's his profession.
When he's out there, that is. Got a thing about permission, though. It's odd.
You should have seen it when we asked him to sign the admission forms. He smiled
down at Godin as if he were a bad little boy. Took five orderlies to get this
rascal into a
straitjacket.
Early on at Yoyodyne, says Godin as if it just occurred to him, we discovered
that we needed one full-time customer service person for every 10,000 people in
the database.
And are we taking our meds like we talked about, asks Dr. Robert, ignoring him
and surreptitiously rolling his eyes at the ceiling for my benefit.
Godin looks at him a minute, blank. Then says: Your doctor has your written permission
to inject just about anything he wants into your IV bag.
That's correct, says Dr. Robert, approvingly. They've obviously been
over this ground more than once. And are we cooperating with the staff? But Godin
is counting on his fingers now, distracted.
Suddenly he looks up at us as if coming to. One lucky customer could
win a $100,000 shopping spree, he says.
I'll be back on Tuesday, assures the doctor. If there's anything
you need, you just tell Nurse Ratshit. And he ushers me out. Yoyodyne?, I ask
when the door closes. What was that all about?
Dr. Robert looks concerned. He's been watching this Buckaroo Banzai video over
and over and yelling "Laugh-a while can, Monkey Boy!" Scares the crap out of the
night desk. But look, we've got to keep moving.
Who's next, I ask as we walk down the long florescent hallway. The doctor checks
his list. Hmmm, let's see. Today we've got Sergio Zyman, Don Peppers, Harry Beckwith,
Steven Cristol, Peter Sealey, Geoffrey Moore, Al Ries, Jack Trout, Sam Hill, Glenn
Rifkin... quite a list. He flips the page on his clipboard. Oh, and Gary Hammel.
Are they all like him?, I ask, gesturing back to the room we've just left. Are
they all, like... you know.
I'm afraid so, the doctor replies, stopping to look at me full on.
He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes. Suddenly he looks weary. Beat. Been
at it too long, I think. Must take a special kind of person. To keep it up. To
keep the cheery smile in place while listening to such demented gibberish day
after day. Personally, I don't see how he does it.
Well sportsfans, I know how *I* do it. I get even!
Gonzo Marketing: Winning through Worst Practices
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738204080/entropygradientr
Pile on!
Shit, I'm out of cigarettes! Bye.
The Management
Chris Locke, a.k.a. RageBoy, is author of a new book, Gonzo Marketing: Winning
Through Worst Practices. The above is reprinted from Locke's email newsletter,
Entropy Gradient Reversals.
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